I have this problem. Sometimes i hold grudges to the extent of not speaking to someone for years, and then other people, i let walk all over me. Again and again. I dont know what i was thinking trying to allow things to be like they were back then. I can not keep letting my gaurd down and assuming things will be different. I put people up on a pedestal and i can not do that. I dont know if i will ever learn. I do this all the time. Its so hard for me to balance out my relationships with people. I know that eventually i will be able to let it go, let him go, get the closure i need to just put it aside. We wanted to work it out with him, but we just cant, and apparently thats what God wants. I just dont know what else to do. I can not be the only one giving, with him just taking. GRRR. It broke me today.

SO much drama, i dont know why i put myself into it. Lose one thing over another and i just cant get passed it. I want this to be over. I want these feelings to be gone, i want to have a normal day with my nerves not shot. I have to stop giving people chances, because in the end, i can not rely on them. I really truley cant.

He knew all along!

Why is it when you are in a new (old) place, the past just attacks you like a bomb? I drive down certain roads and laugh. I went around that crazy turn on the freeway and remembered when Andy used to go around it at like 120 miles an hour, and i used to sware i was going to die that night. Every night. lol I drove by my old schools...wow, have i grown. Crazy times, i must say. Mine and Tjs first apartment with our drugdealer nieghbors. Fun times. It just so weird how life changes so quickly. It reminded me of all the things God has saved me from. Most of the time i hated the way things turned out and always hoped for a difference. But God didnt give me those boyfriends, or take me to those parties because he had something in store for me that i couldnt imagine. Now, im so grateful. As much fun as the past was, i love my present. I love that some people are still in the present too, because they will be lifelong friends. :) Im just so grateful that i listened to God, although i was very stubborn, i still eventually made it through.

It has taken me a very long time to write, sorry. This is literally the first time I have had alone time to think about what I wanted to write.
So I am in Pensacola. Something I had been counting every second for. Its just not the same though. I mean it does feel like Ive never left, but at the same time it just doesnt feel right. Im not comfortable anymore. I truley miss home. As in Redding. Home. :) I bet that makes some of you guys that read this happy. I do love being here, being with my mom and spending time with my friends, but it isnt the same. It makes me happy to know that too. Its very obvious to me now that this isnt my home anymore. That God has placed us in Redding for a reason. I do want to be back here some day if the Lord calls us to be, but for now, i am so happy with where i am. Although as i am typing this, im thinking in my perfect world, i would be in redding and my mommy would be there too. I wish this could be perfect. My mommy. Oh i have missed her. If i could spend every second with her, i would.

My friends havnt changed, I already had the odd saddness of a hurtful night. Nothing has changed. It was no ones fault, but my emotions were all over the place. All i wanted to do was lay in MY BED and cry. I had no where to just lay and cry, it made me want to be home so bad. Even though i am still struggling with many things in redding, i wanted nothing more than for that moment to be in my bed crying with my hubby. Im starting to think that maybe the reasons i havnt had the hurt there that i am feeling here is because i dont have anyone that i have let get that close to me. Is that a good or a bad thing? I havnt decided. I mean, my friends here i hold so dear to me that i allow them to hurt me because i am so attached to them. In redding though, everyone is on the same level and i dont have one certain person that i expect too much from. Maybe that is a good thing then. Im starting to think that having lots of really close friends is better than having one best friend, because then i expect too much from that one person. I just cant believe how much i have grown in the past 8 months, to have such a change in me about so many things. I cant explain it.

This is all over the place. sorry. This is so very much for me, not everyone to understand.

I think for so long i have put certain people on a pedestal and that just isnt right. Its making me see that there is only one person that i should put my trust into. I cant lean on these other people to make me happy. I just need my Jesus. He is the one that will NEVER let me down. He is my strong tower. :)

2 more weeks and i will be home, and i can not wait. :)