I just want to say that Tj and I have the most amazing friends ever :)

I am so blessed to have come so far from home and still have friends that are just as close as family :) When you know we are going through a rough time, you help, and i am so thankful :)

Whoever put that blessing on our dresser last week, you are a blessing yourself. I thank you, im so grateful for you, and love you dearly.

Love.love.Love

i love jesus.

he is so amazing.

he is going to take care of us.

i love him. 

i love him.

i love him.

I have this problem. Sometimes i hold grudges to the extent of not speaking to someone for years, and then other people, i let walk all over me. Again and again. I dont know what i was thinking trying to allow things to be like they were back then. I can not keep letting my gaurd down and assuming things will be different. I put people up on a pedestal and i can not do that. I dont know if i will ever learn. I do this all the time. Its so hard for me to balance out my relationships with people. I know that eventually i will be able to let it go, let him go, get the closure i need to just put it aside. We wanted to work it out with him, but we just cant, and apparently thats what God wants. I just dont know what else to do. I can not be the only one giving, with him just taking. GRRR. It broke me today.

SO much drama, i dont know why i put myself into it. Lose one thing over another and i just cant get passed it. I want this to be over. I want these feelings to be gone, i want to have a normal day with my nerves not shot. I have to stop giving people chances, because in the end, i can not rely on them. I really truley cant.

He knew all along!

Why is it when you are in a new (old) place, the past just attacks you like a bomb? I drive down certain roads and laugh. I went around that crazy turn on the freeway and remembered when Andy used to go around it at like 120 miles an hour, and i used to sware i was going to die that night. Every night. lol I drove by my old schools...wow, have i grown. Crazy times, i must say. Mine and Tjs first apartment with our drugdealer nieghbors. Fun times. It just so weird how life changes so quickly. It reminded me of all the things God has saved me from. Most of the time i hated the way things turned out and always hoped for a difference. But God didnt give me those boyfriends, or take me to those parties because he had something in store for me that i couldnt imagine. Now, im so grateful. As much fun as the past was, i love my present. I love that some people are still in the present too, because they will be lifelong friends. :) Im just so grateful that i listened to God, although i was very stubborn, i still eventually made it through.

It has taken me a very long time to write, sorry. This is literally the first time I have had alone time to think about what I wanted to write.
So I am in Pensacola. Something I had been counting every second for. Its just not the same though. I mean it does feel like Ive never left, but at the same time it just doesnt feel right. Im not comfortable anymore. I truley miss home. As in Redding. Home. :) I bet that makes some of you guys that read this happy. I do love being here, being with my mom and spending time with my friends, but it isnt the same. It makes me happy to know that too. Its very obvious to me now that this isnt my home anymore. That God has placed us in Redding for a reason. I do want to be back here some day if the Lord calls us to be, but for now, i am so happy with where i am. Although as i am typing this, im thinking in my perfect world, i would be in redding and my mommy would be there too. I wish this could be perfect. My mommy. Oh i have missed her. If i could spend every second with her, i would.

My friends havnt changed, I already had the odd saddness of a hurtful night. Nothing has changed. It was no ones fault, but my emotions were all over the place. All i wanted to do was lay in MY BED and cry. I had no where to just lay and cry, it made me want to be home so bad. Even though i am still struggling with many things in redding, i wanted nothing more than for that moment to be in my bed crying with my hubby. Im starting to think that maybe the reasons i havnt had the hurt there that i am feeling here is because i dont have anyone that i have let get that close to me. Is that a good or a bad thing? I havnt decided. I mean, my friends here i hold so dear to me that i allow them to hurt me because i am so attached to them. In redding though, everyone is on the same level and i dont have one certain person that i expect too much from. Maybe that is a good thing then. Im starting to think that having lots of really close friends is better than having one best friend, because then i expect too much from that one person. I just cant believe how much i have grown in the past 8 months, to have such a change in me about so many things. I cant explain it.

This is all over the place. sorry. This is so very much for me, not everyone to understand.

I think for so long i have put certain people on a pedestal and that just isnt right. Its making me see that there is only one person that i should put my trust into. I cant lean on these other people to make me happy. I just need my Jesus. He is the one that will NEVER let me down. He is my strong tower. :)

2 more weeks and i will be home, and i can not wait. :)

this is how big my little baby is getting:

Yesterday morning and this morning he brings me his potty because he wants to sit on it like a big boy...he goes potty and (number 2) both mornings :)

I was blowing my nose earlier (allergies grrrr.) so he picks up a kleenex to and puts it to his nose to blow his own nose :)

He is sitting at the table in a booster seat, no more high chair :)

His newest words are car (pronounced car) and cracker (pronounced ca ca) lol!!!! :)

I just cant believe how quickly he is growing...if you havnt seen him in a while and you are not 3000 miles away, you need to come see him because you are missing out on such a wonderful little boy!

Thats all :)

Love!

Sometimes I wish I were a little more artistic. I dont write well, I can not paint or draw, i dont take pictures well, there just isnt much I can do. I used to sing well, but somehow that has changed too...i need to apply myself more...right? I am just in this routine, its called being a mom and a wife. You dont know until youve tried it. You cant imagine. I love my son and my hubby, but sometimes I wish my routine could change. I wish I could find myself again. Take time to find the things I am good at. Take the time to find a hobby. At the same time, I feel like when i will finally get the option to I will be too afraid, because its been so long. I keep saying when aiden starts school i will go to cosmetology school. But will i really do that? Will i actually have the courage to do it? I guess I really dont have the answer until the time comes.

We went over our phone bill by 200 dollars, Tjs ticket is due on the 4th, my trip home is in 2 weeks, all of these things have one thing in common. Money.

Where does it come from? How can we possibly pay all these things, all these extra things when we dont have the money? God. He will provide for us. I know he will. He has all of this under control and I know he does not want us to be in a hole. He will provide for us. I keep telling myself this. I know he will. 

Friends!

Friends!!!!!!!

I just want to say that this place would be so sad for me without you guys. I love all of you wonderful people that i have met in Redding, Chico, and Sac. You guys are amazing :) I would be lost without you. I think sometimes about how odd it must have been to have to like me because i moved here MARRIED to Tj. lol. I dont know if i want to know your first impressions of me. lol. Well, maybe i do.........anyway, you guys have been so good to me and welcomed me. It took a while for some, but i love you all so much!!!! Thank you for being my friend!

So MY BIRTHDAY was amazing :) I had so much fun sharing time with all my amazing friends! I am so thankful to have such wonderful caring people around me! I will say though turning 21 is kind of overrated. I mean, it was another night, I dont feel like im older. I guess, since I am not the party type it doesnt have a huge affect on me. Trust me it was a BLAST, though :)

I got woke up this morning with bummer news. My mom will possibly be out of town 2 of the 3 weeks i am home. She will be training for the job she has been trying to move up to in her company for a long time now. She will be in Ohio. :( I cried, got mascara (last nights of course) all over tjs favorite off white sweater, told her i was really happy for her and then cried more. I am really happy for her. She was so torn because she wanted to be there to see us, but she can not pass it up. I want to be just as excited for her as she is, but i cant be. Not just yet. There is some good news to this, if she gets this job she will be making ALOT more money so i can go home more, AND she will be traveling all of the time which means she may end up in CA lots. Other than that, i see no happiness in the situation. Maybe in a week i will feel a little better about it, but for now, i am so broken. My mommy is my best friend and i wanted to see her the whole time i was home, and i wanted her to be with aiden the whole time so he could remember her. :( I just really cant even picture being there for 3 weeks without her, the only time i will be able to see her. 

Well, i cant really think of happy things now, and i dont want to bore you with sad thoughts, so i guess i am done. 

Lord please help me to not be bitter about this situation.